Bright light city's gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
I got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn
So get those stakes up higher
I'm gonna give it everything I got
Lady Luck, please, let the dice stay hot
Let me shoot a seven with every shot
Hey, viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Viva
Las Vegas
Oh, we should've left the house sooner. This brunch is packed.
So sorry, no tables. At least 45 minutes.
Buona sera! Larry, Kate, right this way.
There's no waiting for the new lead lion in our show!
Thanks a lot, Antonio.
Wow, business has really picked up
since Antonio started pretending to be Italian.
Hey, Larry, congrats on the new gig.
- Hey, can I buy you breakfast? - Sure! Thanks, Carl.
- Lar, can I pick up your tab? - Thanks, Roger, Carl beat you to it.
- Carl! Damn you, Carl! - You could buy me lunch.
It's not the same!
Hey, Larry, looking forward to your debut as the new star of the show, pal.
If you need some special...
..."calm-down" pills, you let me know. Capiche?
Not necessary, Vincent. In fact, I'm looking forward to it.
Fantastic. Then please, my friend, accept my gift:
I've hired you this monkey.
You know what, Vincent? I don't need a monkey.
Everybody needs a monkey. He'll do anything.
Anything. Enjoy your monkey.
Wow, this is awesome! Being lead lion is all right.
It's nice to see you enjoying this. I thought you'd be nervous.
I've been on stage a million times. There's nothing to be nervous about.
Oh, sure, why would you be nervous? I can hear the audience now:
"I just shelled out a hundred bucks to see a fatter,
less-talented version of Sarmoti. Boo!"
Boo! Good one, Sarmoti.
Your dad's a real treat. He should go make people laugh in Heaven.
Oh, look. There they are. They're on.
Welcome back, everyone.
Our next guests have amazed millions around the world with their illusions.
They are the one and only, Siegfried and Roy.
Guys, good morning.
- Good morning, Matt Lauer! - You are too kind!
Enough of the chitchat. Get to the plug.
Well, next week, the Today Show will be doing a segment
live from your theater at the Mirage Hotel.
Oh, I am pretending not to have known that.
But in honor of the show, we will create a fantastic new trick.
I am not exaggerating when I say
it will be the greatest experience humans have ever known.
- Including fudge. - With one of your famous white tigers?
No, non-threatening-good-looks Matt Lauer.
We have a new lead lion, and we would like to debut him
on the national television in front of your 40 million viewers.
His name is Larry, and we are all expecting great things from him.
We are all counting on Larry.
Take 'em. They'll goof you up good.
You haven't said a word all day. What's wrong?
Nothing.
You're not worried about the Today Show?
I don't know, everybody's making such a big deal out of it.
I mean, I'm not the kind of guy who goes on TV,
I'm the kind of guy who lies in front of the TV.
I'm just hitting my stride with that.
You're gonna do great. The best thing you can do is just relax
and try not to think about it.
I hope you don't mind, the door was open. Larry, congratulations!
- You're out of vermouth! - Blake, Victoria, what a nice surprise.
Yeah, like when the gas wears off early and your dentist is buckling his pants.
Larry, I just wanted to say, no hard feelings.
Oh, sure, I'm usually the go-to guy for national television,
but I'm all for seeing the common people rise above.
To Larry the lion.
The hopes and dreams of every child in this community
rest on your sloping, dandruff-laden shoulders.
- Here, here. - Come along,
- before you ruin another baboon liver. - I want to get the name of his dentist.
Hey, Dad, I heard about you on the Today Show.
When you're on TV, will you give me a special signal?
Okay, how about this?
Fine.
This day just gets worse and worse.
- Larry, just who I'm looking for. - I don't have time...
- Say hello to my friend Hi. - Hi who?
Down here, you big throw rug!
Is it your day off from the moron factory?
Larry, meet Hi Larious. He's a stand-up comic.
People are so excited about your debut, I'm promoting an all-night fiesta.
We party down till dawn, then watch you on the Today Show.
Hi is our opening act. Hi, toss Larry a few chuckles.
You got it, Snackela.
My boss fired me yesterday. I started to cry.
My boss said, "I can't watch a grown man cry."
So I gave him a blindfold!
- That was terrible. - Yeah, and you're gay!
That doesn't make any sense.
Well, the kids love him, grandpa. This fiesta's gonna be huge.
My best friend debuting on the Today Show. Epic.
How am I ever gonna pull this off?
Always make sure your profile is to the "C" camera.
- What? - Look to the back of the audience.
It'll seem like you're looking at the people at home.
Okay...
And the day before the show, stay away from heavy foods and sauces.
You don't wanna make doo-doo in front of millions of people.
That only works for the monkeys.
Why all the free advice?
Shut up and watch this. It was the Today Show 30 years ago.
Barbara Walters had just finished tasting fondue for the first time.
Joe, it's bread, but it has hot cheese on it.
Barbara, that's terrific. Fondue, huh?
All right. But now, listen to this. We're gonna meet two young men
with an exciting new magic act, Siegfried and Roy.
- Oh, my God, is that you? - Yep. Watch what happens.
- Holy cow! Who's that? - Blake, as a baby.
Later in the show, he gets felt up by Elton John.
Why are you showing me this?
My performance on the Today Show was the worst failure of my career.
I was embarrassed in front of my family, my maker
and Mr. Joe Garagiola.
From that day forward,
whenever Siegfried and Roy had a major TV appearance,
- they went with the tigers. - Wow.
But you have a chance to redeem me, and all lions,
on the Cadillac of morning shows.
They win in total households, all key demos, and Katie Couric's got that
"good-girl but-probably-wild- in-the-sack-thing" going on.
Brother, you got that right.
- I don't know if I can do this. - With my help, you can.
'Cause as a lion, you've got it here, and in here.
That tickles.
You sure you're all lion? Maybe a chimp schtupped your grandma.
That flight from New York always wears me out.
At least we are away from that horrible Matt Lauer.
What is it with you and Matt Lauer?
He is always interrupting Katie!
Seven years ago, she was interviewing Wimbledon champion Boris Becker.
He had just defeated Stefan Edberg at the Glaugenspieden
in Brauchstradstein and Matt Lauer cut her off.
Where in the world is Matt Lauer?!
I wish someday they would not find him!
This silliness is all in your head. Matt Lauer has always been good to us.
I am warning you, don't be an ass of jacks.
If it is bone picking season, allow me to get a floppy hat and a hoe.
Why did you promise that our trick will be the greatest thing
humans have ever known? I know of no such trick.
I was of the moment!
Leave me alone, or I will put you in a box,
throw it on a conveyor belt and send it into ten whirling saw blades.
Sweet Daryl Hannah!
That is our new trick. We have done it again.
Even when we fight, we make magic.
Hey there, Kate, it's almost time for rehearsal.
Where's our boy? I need some publicity shots
to promote "Larry's Debut All-Night Fiesta."
- Fiesta? - That's Mexican for "party."
- We're gonna have salsa! - That's a spicy red dip.
Kate, these are my fiesta babes, Chimmi and Changa.
Here they come!
All right, champ, there's nothing left to teach you.
- Make the lions proud. - I'm ready.
Oh, and Larry? I want you to know,
if you were my own son, I'd be pretty disappointed, but I'd make do.
Thanks, Sarmoti.
Greetings, lovely animals.
Hello! Okay, enough with the chitchat. Now!
Say hello to our special trick, "Scary Box 5000."
Doopsie-aisy. I forget the scary part.
Okay, here is how it works.
Larry will run up this ramp and jump into the wooden box.
We then send the box into the saw blades... and certain doom.
Or is it?
- I forgot. What did we decide? - No doom.
Now, when Larry gets in the box, he pulls a lever,
drops into a secret compartment and pops out the other side.
Siegfried, they're animals. Just give them the broad strokes.
Larry, begin the trick!
And voila! Larry...
...drops into the secret compartment!
I said, "Larry...
...drops into the secret compartment!"
Why is not Larry dropping into the compartment?
Larry is not doing it. This is not good.
Blake, you're the right size, you try it.
Siggy, the big trick is tomorrow. What do we do?
Larry is out. Blake is in.
I'm not getting my special signal on TV.
Hunter, please, be a little more considerate.
Dad failed miserably in front of everybody we know.
Sierra, take Hunter and go out.
I can't believe I couldn't pull a stupid lever. What's wrong with me?
I'll tell you! You're a loser. And you'll always be a loser!
Do you realize what a disaster this is?
Thanks to you, a lousy stinking tiger
is going on the Today Show instead of a lion!
- Dad, that's enough! - No, Kate, he's right. I blew it.
Hey, eyeballs, since you love to stare so much,
why don't you pretend my face is a recipe book
opened to a page marked "brisket."
It'll all be happening here on stage tomorrow at the Mirage.
And as always at a Siegfried and Roy magic show,
the one thing guaranteed to appear... are smiles.
Oh, look at him. Putting himself in front of a camera,
holding a microphone so everyone can hear and see what he's saying. The ego.
Thanks, fellas. Great job, as always.
Siegfried, he is a wonderful man.
You are like a dog with... that thing they won't let go of.
- A bone? - No, it's long, white and brittle.
- Carol Channing? - Matt Lauer is your Carol Channing.
Be that as it may, if you have anything else to say, Roy,
say it now, because Matt Lauer won't let you get a word...
- Hi, guys. - See? I told you!
- I am so excited about your... - New trick?
- Yeah, it should be a really good... - Show? Right? Show?
I'm sorry, are you upset about something?
I don't know. You are Matt Lauer. You bring me the news.
Some debut for me, huh?
I ruined your fiesta. I let everybody down.
The thing about Burt Reynolds is, he was not just good looking.
I've been over it in my head a million times.
I don't know what happened with that lever.
Smokey and the Bandit. Boogie Nights. Deliverance.
That cat had layers... and a mustache!
The worst part is, I actually let myself get excited about being on TV.
Evening Shade. Funny stuff.
- Now, it'll never happen. - Hey, none of that talk.
You're still the best.
Remember, I'm always here for you, man.
Now, come on, give me a smile.
Dude. Uncool.
I think you look great there, chief. Lean and mean. Top notch.
Beautiful fall, monsignor. You are the Baryshnikov of disaster.
Wonderful slip, great surrender to gravity, falling, ground.
There you go. Sorry, I'm all tapped out.
You gotta stop watching. It's not doing you any good.
I just have to accept it. My Today Show failure
is something I will never overcome.
Hold it, I never noticed that before.
- Is that...? I don't believe it. - What?
Get the Snout brothers. Tell them to meet at the rehearsal hall!
I'm on it.
Hey, boys, thanks for coming. I need some muscle.
Anything for you. You want us to spot you while you do squats?
- Yeah, squats! - One, two, three, four...
Enough with the squats! Help me turn this box over.
All right, dude, yeah!
Awesome!
Thanks, boys. By the way, careful with the steroids.
- They cause shrinkage down there. - Worth it!
Hello. What's this?
"My wife wanted a new fur coat, but I wanted a new car,
so we compromised. We got the coat, but keep it in the garage."
That's the worst joke I've ever heard.
The snail!
Siegfried, what are you hiding behind your back?
It is a little gift for Matt Lauer.
Tickets to our Saturday morning performance.
But there's no show on Saturday mornings.
I know! And it's his one morning to sleep in! Delicious.
Siegfried, I'm not letting you give fake tickets to Matt Lauer.
I do what I want. You are not the kaiser of China!
I am having it up to here with you besmirching the good name of Matt Lauer!
Enough!
That's it!
All right, magic man...
...it's geshtanken time.
Bring it, Khat-man-don't!
Siegfried Tyrone Fischbacher, prepare to meet your...
Guys, please!
- You're right. He does interrupt. - I told you.
- Licorice whip? - Yes, please. That would be lovely.
- Larry, there you are! - Sarmoti, go away!
- You didn't blow your trick. - What are you talking about?
You were sabotaged! That hack snail jammed his shell under the lever
so it wouldn't work when you pulled it.
That little slimeball!
Hey, anyone seen that slug?
- He left six hours ago in a big hurry. - A hurry is when you're moving fast.
Thanks, professor. Six hours? He could be anywhere by now.
Suckers! You can't catch the wind!
Next stop, Rio.
- Why'd you do it, snail? - Do what? I'm a simple humorist!
- Cut the crap! - Don't know what you're talking about!
Really? Maybe this'll help you remember.
Oh, please, not the salt!
Okay! Okay! He promised if I did it, he'd get me on the Today Show.
It's a primo gig, even though Matt Lauer does tend to cut people off.
Who promised you? Who?
Blake. It was Blake the tiger.
I knew it! He did the same thing to me 30 years ago.
I didn't fall off that ball.
I was knocked off by a conniving tiger cub.
He sabotaged me. And he sabotaged you.
- I knew I didn't blow it. - There's still time.
You've got to get to the theater and stop that tiger.
- A tiger is a big cat with stripes. - You're so smart. I love you.
Ladies and gentlemen, here with an amazing trick
especially for the Today Show, please welcome the one, the only, Siegfried...
And Roy! How does it feel, Matt Lauer,
to have your words snatched away from you by a word burglar?
- Excuse me? - Apology not accepted!
Thank you, thank you.
Now please welcome the star of our illusion,
the royal white tiger, Blake.
In a world before time, where chaos battled confusion,
ten saws fought one crate in an eternal war,
and the great Egyptian queen Nefertiti decreed...
- Roy, did you just say "titi"? - I did.
Carry on!
Sixty seconds to stardom.
I don't remember the floor being this soft.
Hello, Blake.
Larry, it's so funny that you're here.
Yeah, it's Hi-Larious.
Larry, I'm weak! I need the attention!
I'm a whore! I'm a whore for their applause!
You wouldn't hit a whore, would you Larry?
Mommy, make it stop!
Ladies and gentlemen, Blake the tiger!
Or Larry the lion.
Magic, you fickle bitch.
My sign! That's my lame sign!
Matt Lauer, it is time to end this feud
that has torn our families apart. We forgive you.
- What are you talking about? - Don't ruin it.
I have an idea. Let's all go be regular guys and knock back some brewskis.
- Sounds good to me. - Shall we?
Activate rocket pants!